Coward
by Haley Was Here
Summary: He never tried to apologize again.


"_Kill me then," panted Harry, who felt no fear at all, but only rage and contempt. "Kill me like you killed him, you coward -"_

"_DON'T -" screamed Snape, and his face was suddenly demented, inhuman, as though he was in as much pain as the yelping, howling dog stuck in the burning house behind them - "CALL ME COWARD!"_

- J.K. Rowling, _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince_, Chapter 28: Flight of the Prince

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><p>She looked so lovely and peaceful that he almost didn't want to disturb her. He felt as though he could watch forever as her brilliant green eyes scanned rapidly but thoroughly over each page of her notes while she unknowingly mouthed each word she read. She was the most fascinating sight he had ever seen in all of his sixteen years of life, and it almost pained him to interrupt her, for he knew that as soon as she saw him, her expression would change to one of contempt and pain and so many other things that he had never wanted to be the cause of.<p>

Unfortunately, it had to be done.

It was, after all, why he had followed her into the library in the first place. An entire summer had passed since she had last spoken to him, and he simultaneously hoped and doubted that she had missed his presence as much as he had missed hers. Perhaps, given time, she had come to accept his apology, or would at least be more willing to now-and if not, then he could at least take comfort in the fact that she would not be able to raise her voice at him in the library.

After watching her almost hungrily for a few more seconds, he took a deep, calming breath and marched forward slowly, as though he were marching towards his death. When he reached her table, she was so absorbed in her studies that she didn't realize he was there for a few moments, and he considered turning back while he still had the chance, but then she looked up and he was fixed within her glare.

"What do _you_ want?" Lily Evans demanded of him, and he faltered, caught off guard by the venom in her beautiful eyes. "_Well_?"

"I just-I'm so sorry, Lily, I'm so, so sorry," he blurted all at once. Her reaction was not what he had expected: rather than scream or yell as she had for past apologies, she sighed and rubbed her temple wearily. She was silent for a moment, and he began to wonder if this was perhaps a sign that she would accept his apology.

"I can't keep doing this." Her voice was so quiet that he almost hadn't heard her, but he didn't dare to ask her to repeat herself. In fact, he didn't dare to say anything at the moment. This tired, quiet Lily was more frightening to him than the angry, loud Lily in that she was unfamiliar and he didn't know what to expect. So he waited.

"I don't know why you think apologizing will do any good," she continued, more audibly than before. "I don't know why you think anything can change what's been said and what's been done. I don't know why you bothered lying to me all those years-"

He could not remain silent at this. "Lily, I swear, I have _never_ lied to y-"

"_Yes you have_!" Her volume had risen considerably as she spoke over him, and it earned her a stern glance from the librarian. Chastised, she affected a quiet but accusatory tone. "_Yes_, you have," she repeated. "_You_ told me that being Muggle-born didn't make any difference, but clearly, it made a difference to _you_."

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "No, Lily, please, it never made a difference to me that _you_ were Muggle-born-it still doesn't!" If only she could understand just how little it mattered to him-just how little _anything_ mattered to him when it came to her, so long as she was with him.

But she didn't believe him. "How can you say that and hang around the likes of Avery and Mulciber and all of those other purist prats?" She spat the last two words, making no effort to hide her disdain for them, and he bristled slightly.

"They're my friends," he muttered, not daring to look at her now. "Can't I have friends in my own House?"

She answered his question with another question. "Don't you remember what Mulciber did to Mary Macdonald?"

Of course he remembered-Mulciber had bragged about using Dark magic on her for days on end, despite his heavy punishment. But that was Mulciber and Mary Macdonald; it wasn't him and Lily. "That's different, it-"

"How can you make excuses for him?" Her voice was desperate now, quiet but desperate. "It isn't different in the slightest; he would have done the same thing to me if he had happened upon me first! I _am_ a Muggle-born, and it's obviously something that can't be ignored, with everything that's happening in the real world. That and your fascination with the Dark Arts simply don't mesh any longer."

Every word she said was true, and that hurt more than anything else.

"Can't you just tell them to shove off?" He was caught off guard by the pleading tone to her voice, and glanced up at her so quickly that he got a crick in his neck. Her bright green eyes searched his dark ones desperately.

He paused to consider this. Was he willing to give up the spells and potions that gave him complete control for once in his life? Was he brave enough to stand up to Mulciber and Avery and all the others when he still had to live in such close quarters with them all for the next two years? Could he afford to risk the well-being of both himself and Lily by telling them off? So long as he maintained his distance from Lily, her chances of being caught up in one of Mulciber's pranks were equal to those of all the Mudbloods and blood-traitors in Hogwarts-but the moment he defied his fellow Slytherins for her, Lily would become a walking target. He didn't care how badly any of the others were hurt, so long as _she_ was safe.

"I…I can't do that."

Her response was almost instantaneous. "You _coward_." At first her voice was relatively calm, as though she were giving an answer in class, but suddenly her tone was harsh and she was yelling. "You absolute _coward_!" She stood up and gathered her things in one fluid motion, turning on her heel and leaving.

The librarian didn't have time to shush her before she left, and so, assuming that _he_ was the problem anyways, she ordered him to leave. He didn't even hear her. He didn't care. Lily had finally hurt him as deeply as he had hurt her.

She thought that all she was to him was a Mudblood.

And now all he was to her was a Coward.

He never tried to apologize again.

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><p>* AN: _I do not have any claim on the characters featured in this story._


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